Bowling for Zach

1,825 days.  

Time is a strange thing. 

Sometimes it feels like just yesterday I could feel his belly laugh shake the room and other it feels like it's been a lifetime since we were driving in the car singing our favorite songs together.  

There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him and the love that we shared. 

Our second month dating, we went on a double date with his cousin and boyfriend. 

 It was a night I learned of his love for bowling.  

Nobody loved bowling like the Syphus family.  

So tonight we bowl for Zach and celebrate the life of a man we love and miss dearly.  

This ones for you, Z.  

Loving you always.

Another year, has come and gone.  

My heart is always very heavy on January 30th.  

I can remember every detail and makes me mourn the life we would have had together. 

Every year we get to together with his family.  

This year we chose to do something that he would have LOVED to do. 

Bowling was it. 

He loved bowling. Loved being with family and friends. 

I'm beyond thankful for his family and my close friends that reached out this day. 

It means more to me than people know. 

29 years

Zach would have been 29 years old this year. 

29 years was a big one for me and I know it would have been for him as well. 

We met when we were babes. 

He was 20 years old... almost 21.  

I had just turned 22. 

Grateful for all of his people. 

We continue to get together year after year and celebrate our Big Guy. 

Ladies friends

A night of laughter. 

A night of catch up. 

A night of fun. 

I have been very fortunate to have these great ladies in my life for several years. 

They were two of Zach's best friends and cousins. 

Being with them reminds of Z. 

We spent many of nights with these ladies. 

I love them. 

Tender mercies

Tender mercies.

I am positive that I don't even recognize a large portion of the tender mercies given to me. 

These last couple of weeks have been full of them. 

I am grateful. 

I'm beyond grateful for my family. 

Specifically my Mom. 

She has shown a whole new level of bravery. 

She is strong. 

She is a fighter. 

And I'm grateful that her treatment has gone so well. 

I was driving down a road in South Jordan.  

 "Love Someone" started playing 

and I started to think about my angels in the sky.

I started thinking about Zach and I looked over and I was on his road. 

It is little things like this that let me know he is with me.

Another year...

1460 days has passed. 

I can remember every detail of this day in 2010 vividly. 

I remember sitting in car waiting for Cassia to run into the store and get some dog food real quick. 

I remember sitting there thinking about Zach. 

What 2010 would bring for us?

We were at such a turning point in our relationship. 

We drove to my parents house and had been there for a few minutes when I received the call. 

I fell apart. 

I needed to get to Salt Lake. 

I remember the drive to Logan to get his cousin, Natalie. 

I remember the drive back to Salt Lake. 

I remember walking into his Aunts house and being there with his family. 

I remember going home to an empty house thinking it was all a bad dream. 

The morning after was even worse.

I spent the following days, weeks and months surrounded by mine and his friends and family. 

2010 was a year that I would never want to repeat. 

Four years later...

Is it any easier?

No.

 I still miss him, so much it hurts. 

I am forever changed by Zach and this experience.

The tears do not flow as freely as they once did. 

My love is a little guarded.

And I am more sentimental than I ever was before. 

There are people that have become anchors in my life with all of this. 

His family being some of them. 

His cousins are some of my best friends. 

My dear friend, Keri. 

I know she was a gift from Zach. 

She is what I needed in my life.

And all my friends and family that have loved me through this. 

I am more appreciative of the quality people in my life. 

I try and express my love and gratitude more than I did before.  

I promised him I would SHINE for him. 

Be a better person. 

Serve others. 

and love hard. 

Hold your nears and dears a little tighter 

and 

say I love you a little louder. 

December 17th. Our Day Together.

Some people just get each other.

Keri is that person. 

From the first day, we just understood. 

She has become a dear, dear friend that I love so much. 

We have our "Wednesday night Reg"

typically includes, Cafe Rio and always includes a sodie and each other. 

It was both CJ (18th) and Zach's (16th) birthday this last week. 

Hard days. 

We should be planning fun birthdays with these boys. 

And yet we are planning celebrations with their families to remember them. 

We declared December 17th our day.  

We both took off work and enjoyed the day together. 

You better believe there was a lot of soda, shopping, food and relaxing involved. 

We ended the night going to the gym and playing with Tiny (her puppy)

I am so thankful for this girl. 

Thankful for our boys sending us to each other. 

We help each other. 

We understand each other. 

and we love each other. 

December 9, 2006

Our First Date went down in history as the "Best First Date Ever"

(journal entry talking about our first date)

"My sister, Jennifer set us up on our first date.  She had been asking for quite some time if I would go out with this "great kid", she knew from school.  After hearing a little more about him, I agreed.  Neither one of us knew too much about each other but we were excited about the date. 

When Zach arrived to pick me up, I was shocked.  First he was standing there with beautiful red roses for me.  And second, Jennifer forgot to mention he was 6'8".  I was in heels, standing a step above him and he was still towering me. 

We went with his cousin, Jessica and her boyfriend, Mark.  All four of us, had a great time together. Before the date, Zach had done his research and found out that I love steak.  He took me to Flemings, an incredible steak house and then we walked through temple square lights.  He pulled out all the stops. 

On our way downtown, we talked with such ease. We both talked about school and our families.  As we talked I felt completely myself. I knew I wanted to get to know him better.  At the end of the date, Zach asked me if he could call me again?  Of course, the answer was YES!

I immediately came inside and called Jennifer and told her how wonderful the date went and how amazing I thought Zach was.

The next day, Zach called me to tell me what a great time he had and that he couldn't wait until our next date. I was on cloud nine and more than impressed with Zach."

This is how our story began. 

I can remember the details of this night. 

The way he looked at me. 

The blue sweater he wore. 

I miss him. 

December is a hard month.

So many memories together. 

For the first year,  he would always text me reminders about our first date and keep track of how long we had known each other.  

He had a very tender side.

Zach will always have a piece of my heart. 

Always. 

Meggers

There are certain people in your life that no matter the time, distance or circumstance you will always be close with. 

Megan is one of those people. 

I'm so grateful to always have her to laugh, cry and talk with. 

She is great. 

I love her. 

and Love all the memories we share together.  

Triathlon 2013

Four summers ago, I planned to do my first triathlon with Zach. 

Everything quickly changed in January 2010 after his sudden death. 

The Summer of 2010, I decided I needed to do it for him. 

This summer I needed to do the same. 

It helps me do something positive for him. 

This summer was by far my best time and experience. 

My first experience I remember, sobbing on the bike ride cursing at Zach the whole time. 

2011, I cruised but still had a tough run. 

This year, I thought would be a killer. 

My training was basically none. 

In fact, when I jumped into the water, that was my first swimming of the year. 

Turns out, this year it worked for me. 

It was raining a good portion of the race. 

Which biking in the rain on a road bike is frightening. 

I felt so close to Zach and know that he was with me there the entire time cheering me on. 

Love that Julie is always ready to do the race with me!

Our cute cheerleaders for the morning!

My parents deserve a cheerleader metal. 

They sat in the rain running from place to place to cheer me, Julie, Dylan and Cole on. 

I know it was the last thing they wanted to do on a Saturday. 

But it makes all the difference when you hear people cheering your name.

The kiddos did great!  

They both are great swimmers and powered through the race!

So proud of these little dudes! 

I really did love every minute of this race, with the exception of getting up at 5:00am after being up moving Jason in until 3:00am. (Not my smartest move)

It is a good experience and helps me continue to heal from losing Zach.

I miss him everyday and grateful for his love. 

A gift from heaven.

When I look at my life, I amazed with the incredible people that have been sent to me.

I'm very blessed.

One day a little over a year ago and I was reading a blog. 

In her post she mentioned her friend that just lost her husband in a tragic accident. 

My heart dropped. 

She had a link to her blog and like any of you, I quickly switched over to learn more about this girl.

Within minutes, I was in tears. 

The feeling of helplessness consumed me. 

You could feel their love for each other in their pictures. 

It is like anything I have ever seen before. 

I went to write a comment... "you don't know me... but I'm so touched.... please don't think I'm crazy"

I stopped myself.  

That is crazy!  

Who writes on a blog they just stalked. 

I don't know this person. 

In fact, the mutual friend, I haven't spoke to in years. 

I quickly deleted my comment and went along my way. 

I would constantly think about this girl I had never met and her situation. 

November of 2012, I stopped back by her blog and finally wrote a comment. 

And seriously from that point we just understood each other.

The commonality we share is something I wish we didn't.

I wish we both  didn't understand the feeling of missing someone it literally hurts. 

Over the past months we would chat on facebook and "like" each others pictures on instagram. 

When we would chat we just knew. 

We understood. 

and we didn't need to pretend. 

Today, we became real friends. 

We had lunch together and it was like we had known each other for years. 

We laughed together. 

We cried together. 

and we drank coke together. 

Keri is one of the strongest people I have ever met. 

She is an example to all and has inspired more people than she will ever know.

I know her CJ and my Zach brought us together. 

We need each other.

She is a gift from Z.

I'm glad that all of my countless hours I spend reading about other people on their blogs has paid off.

This is a friendship that has bettered my life. 

Love you, Keri! 

A weekend for remembering

The word miss does not quite do my emotions justice.

This weekend I was able to go see two of my angels and honor them. 

I remembering loving this holiday because it use to give me a paid day off from work. 

Now, I love this day because I get to extra remember the special people in my life that have passed. 

My weekend started going and visiting my Grandpa Beck with my parents and Grams. 

I cannot believe it has been seven years. 

Seven years, since I have been able to sit down with him and listen to his wisdom. 

Seven years, since I have had to let him know my future plans and how I was going to get there. 

Seven years, since I was able to receive a hug from this him. 

He is a man that we speak of often in our family. 

A man that all of us miss greatly. 

This morning I went up to Zach's grandparents house to pay a visit to the family and take flowers. 

As I walked into the house, a flood of memories came back.

Memories of first dating Zach.

Memories attending many family functions in that house. 

Memories of planning the funeral. 

Memories of mourning. 

Memories of telling our favorite memories with Zach. 

So many memories.

Grateful for his family love for me.  

even more grateful for his love for me and the ways I feel it daily.  

I will SHINE

Three years ago today, this young man made Heaven a brighter place. 

Three years ago today, my heart broke. 

Three years ago today, I can remember every detail vividly. 

Three years ago today, I learned the most valuable lesson; 

Never take people you love in your life for granted.  

Life is beyond precious and with a blink of an eye it can be gone. 

  Zach and I taught each other a lot. 

We were both each other's first loves. 

We laughed a lot together.

And supported each other always. 

I know he is watching over me. 

There are days that it almost feels like he is standing next to me. 

I miss him so much. 

I miss his giant hugs

I miss his laugh. 

I miss his "Just Because" surprises.

I just miss him. 

Zachery Alan will always have a piece of my heart. 

I found this quote a while back and it has stuck with me.

I know it was the words I needed to hear. 

It is hard to live in a world with so much hate and sadness and not become a little jaded. 

Bad things happen to good people. 

I am a firm believer, that certain things just shouldn't happen. 

I do not believe any parent should ever have to bury their child 

nor should anyone this young have to deal with losing the one they love.

I made a promise to Zach a couple of years ago when I was in such a funk trying to deal with losing him. 

I promised him I would SHINE. 

Continue to make a difference in the world. 

Not let this destroy me, but change me so I appreciate people more.

Change me in a way, that I can support others going through similar things. 

I am determined to not let myself be hard, hate or bitter. 

Mainly, hard. I am not hateful or too bitter.

That is not who Zach fell in love with. 

I am going to do my best to not let lives lessons make me cold. 

It takes some reminders, but seeing his smile helps me remember the person I was with him. 

The person I wanted to become.

I WILL SHINE! 

I love you.

Happy Birthday, Zachery

This birthday shout out is for none other than my Zachery Alan.  

Today would have marked his 26th birthday. 

I loved celebrating his birthday. 

It was always a day full of love,family & friends, tasty food & presents.

I so thankful that 26 years ago this young man was brought into this world. 

He is a person that made this world a better place and changed the lives of people around him.

I'm beyond grateful that we played such an important role in each others world.

Sending lots of birthday loves to you, Zach!

Five years ago....

Five years ago, at this very moment I was being dropped off by this handsome young man from our first date. Little did I know this date would be so incredibly life changing?

I'm grateful for being set-up on the best blind date and him calling me the next day letting me know that he had a great time and would like to see me again. I feel so lucky being loved and loving Zachery.

Not a day goes by without me thinking about him, but today has been nonstop. I miss you, Z.

Thanks for taking me on the most unforgettable date.

Xoxo

Try, try TRI again

The day has finally come for the Layton Triathlon. This last weekend Natalie, Matt, Ashley, Gabe and I all competed in the race. We had a lot of fun doing this. Ashley and I have been training for the last couple of weeks together. I was not as nervous as I was last year, but once we started walking over to the pool my nervousness kicked in full force. The training has been awesome to be outside and it hasn't allowed me to put off working out to the next day (day after day). My goal was to beat my time from last year by 18 minutes and finish under an hour. Well that almost happened. I finished in 1:02. I was a little bummed that I missed it, but there is always next year.

Here is cute Gabers waiting for the Kid's Race to start. He did such an awesome job! He finished in 15 minutes! Fastest 6 year old of the whole race!

Me and Matt pre-race

Here is a pre-race faces! You should be very scared!

And let the race begin! Ash and I starting to get worn out by this point.

My stupid goggles starting fogging up to I did about half the swin with my goggles like this. Natalie kicking butt on her swim Lindsey and the boys were hanging out not quite expecting me to come back from the bike portion. Good news! I got unclipped from my petals without a problem. The bike portion was BY FAR my best section when last year it was my worst. Grateful for Ruby getting me from start to finish in a timely manner. Here is Ash finishing her run. She did an AMAZING JOB! Go, Philly! The run was AWFUL! After the first .25 mile I got the most intense Charlie Horse in my life in my calve. I never in my life have experienced one so painful. It was horrible. It slowed me down quite a bit. Still 36 hours later my calve is so tight. OUCH!

But here we are both finished! Lindsey came seconds after I crossed the finished line and said we needed a picture while we were both trying to catch our breath. If you look at my shirt you will notice when I changed after the swim I didn't get my arm in the top strap. So I biked and ran without my shirt on correct. SUPER CLASSY! Apparently, if you write a number on my arm I feel like I need to show it off in several pictures. I'm not really sure what that is about, but it just happened!

The four-Triers! My cute family. I love them and so grateful for them for ALWAYS supporting me. Philly placed in her age category. (There may have only been 2 people in her age category! :) She placed 2nd. I'm so proud of her!

Watch out, 1123 is hardcore!

I'm grateful to be able to do something to honor my Zachery. It helped my healing process A LOT last year and put my energy into something positive we were planning to do together and I had a lot of fun pushing myself and doing it again this year. I'm so thankful to have such awesome family & friends to not only support me and cheer me on but compete in the triathlon.

Until 2012...

My heart is in the sky.

I often find myself looking to the sky.

I not only look, but talk quite frequently.

I wish that I could pick up the phone or drive to where he is.

Our story was not suppose to be over.

When it rains, I feel his tears from heaven.

Wishing real life was like the fairytales I love, always happy endings.

Many days I can mask the tears and put on my strong face.

Somedays it is hard.

I will fulfill my committment to love, shine and continue to grow;

but never forget.

Wedding season is in full bloom

One thing about Utah summers... there is always a lot of weddings. This summer has been no exception. Another Syphus (Zach's family) has tied the knot. I'm so grateful for my Syphus Family and love them dearly. It was a beautiful night at Red Butte.

Me and Mugs! I love this girl! All of the girls!

There are people in your life that you know were brought to you for a reason. I'm so thankful for this family. They truly have become so close to my heart and I am grateful for the time I get to spend with them. I'm thankful for Zach for introducing me to his amazing family and even more grateful for them keeping me close to my Zachery.

Natalie is now Mrs Herrera

My dear friend, Natalie recently was married. Ashley and I were lucky enough to be in attendance for her special day. Everything was absolutely BEAUTIFUL and I'm so glad that I was able to be there.

Jess, Meg, Natalie and me

THE COUSINS Lindsey was the best date a girl could ask for!

This is what happens when you are at a wedding for 8+hours

Here was our arm candy for the night... Thanks for sharing your man with us, Philly!

Me and Linds waiting for the cermony to start.

It was a gorgeous day and I'm so happy for Natalie and Alex. I wish them a life full of happiness and love together.